$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
