I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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