Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
