Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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