where am i from again
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
