I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I faked an abortion last night.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
