walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
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med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
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He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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