What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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