I don't usually arrange sex via text message
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
