It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
I did not marry a roomba.
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