Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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