Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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