oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
