Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
