I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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