actually, I'm a sock model
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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