i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
