oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
