I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
