Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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