i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
