I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
