I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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