It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
