I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize