This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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