Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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