Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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