At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
