Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
