I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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