I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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