Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
