This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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