6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
