she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
