Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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