New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
