these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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