This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
