As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
