Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
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