I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
