chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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