Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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