Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
