it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
last night I used snow as a chaser
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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