I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
