you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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