I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
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