Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
