come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Randomize
