so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
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at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
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I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
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