Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
