Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
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