Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
What a dumb baby whore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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