If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I AM VODKA MAN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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